It’s a miracle.
I didn’t think it would happen. This was by far the HARDEST holiday season to date. I couldn’t go more than 15 minutes without an internal pity party and it was killing me. I really love the holidays and have always been able to suck it up enough to have a great time, but not this year.
I was the person that I truly am not. I judged my closest friends and sweet family members. I coldly straight-up ignored people. My heart was bitter and I didn’t care. I felt justified in my selfishness. And while, I completely get that these are normal emotions, I am mortified because they’re just not normal for me. Especially all at once. And especially during the holidays with 2 very loving and supportive families! I haven’t even told my husband how I’ve been feeling. I think part of me is scared that he’ll tell me my awfulness so noticeable.
I really hope this is my last childless holiday season. Please, please God, don’t let me ever feel like this again. I am at the point where I just don’t think I can take anymore.
I mean, I’m better now, but shit got real real this year, if you know what I mean.
So. To all my fellow wanna-be-mommas out there, BIG BIG HUGS! And to all of you who have started your families, merry Christmas and I’m so glad for your blessings.