Countdown begins

As of tomorrow, I will be one week out from my baseline and (God-willing) start stimming! Eeep! AND because I’ll be cycling in SD, my boss has given me approval to telecommute during some of my time off! Yay! This means I won’t have to virtually deplete all of my sick leave and use half of my vacation time! We’ll discuss specifics tomorrow, but as long as it’s SOME telecommuting, I’m totes satisfied with whatever she’s offering. I’m so excited now.

I did have two minor hiccups in the optimism department. One occurred this morning when I was silly enough to try to do the whole #tbt photo thing today. I’ll start at the beginning: a few months ago I stubbornly decided that even though I’m currently barren and desperately want kids, I would download the Time Hop app. For those of you unfamiliar with it, it basically searches your phone and all the places you’ve uploaded photos to and provides you with a daily report of all the photos you’ve taken on that exact day in previous years. Moms LOVE this because they get to see their toddlers/school-age when they were squishy little babies/toddlers. My dumb-butt loved the idea because I’ve enjoyed a pretty fun and exciting last 7 years.

What I did not expect were pictures of bad memories. Take today’s for example


It was kind of a punch to the gut to know that pain and grief would always be there. I mean, I know it’ll never be ok, but I was surprised at how deeply I felt that loss. And I really hated putting  myself through it again. So I was going to delete the app all together, but it has reminded me of really good times so I was able to change the settings to show me only the photos I’ve posted on social media. And I didn’t link it to my TTC Instagram account, so I’ll be safe now. Hopefully!

Then when I wasn’t feeling so bad anymore, I talked with a good friend and let her know I wouldn’t be attending her child’s birthday party because it’s just too painful right now. She knew and understood. Then a FERTILE friend said she understood and wouldn’t be attending because she feels left out at those events. I’m sorry, but really? Yes, being unmarried with no children at 34 is rough. And going to a child’s birthday party alone is really rough. But it’s nowhere near the same as what I’m going through. Especially when you know you can get pregnant. I was so upset but I gave her some advice and vented to Hubster. Now I’m mostly over it.

Just trying to stay excited and positive for what’s in store. Wish me luck when I talk to my boss tomorrow!

12 thoughts on “Countdown begins

  1. I think it is hard to find anything much harder than IF so I totally relate and feel for you. However, we are fortunate to have found our partners in life ( a HUGE gift) so I feel for your friend- fertile and all. She must feel so alone and like a partner and babies are SO far away if even a possibility since she is still single. Life is hard mid thirties and still searching. Oh and good for you for opting out. Always smart to protect ourselves. Xo

    • Yes, I feel really blessed to have my husband. But I also don’t feel as bad for her as I probably should. Watching her make relationship mistakes to get her to this point has been hard for all of her loved ones, I am sure. I think that’s why I sound so cold about it.

      • Oh I totally get that. I know people like that too. Sorry you had to go through that and glad you could vent! Xoxo

  2. Thinking of you in the coming weeks and sending you all the baby dust and luck in the world. So proud of you for stepping up and taking this leap friend! Xoxo

  3. I’ll be praying for you. And I can’t stand the time hop thing. It always gives me the pictures and memories Id rather not relive if possible.

  4. Kids birthday parties are the worst when you’re waiting to see if it’ll ever be your turn! Yuck. Your story with your single friend reminds me of when I was single and had a friend going through IVF. She compared our situations (sort of wanting what we don’t have), but I remember saying, “Who knows. Maybe I have to wait for a husband and THEN go through IVF.” She laughed at the absurdity. Well, years later she was the one I talked to when I did have to go through IVF. I’m “fertile” but my husband is not. I do feel grateful to have a friend who showed me the way and have done so in turn to several IVF newbies. I’m following your story with hope and prayers!!!

    • Yeah I’ve learned through IF that anyone can fall victim to it. SHE for sure is, we don’t need to get into that, but you’re right about the possibility of not being fertile as a couple. It just bugged me that she compared when she didn’t want to her BEST FRIEND’S child’s party because she didn’t know if there would be many people she knew to talk to. Thus, feeling left out. I guess I didn’t explain well in my rage. Lol

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