I always wanted to be the person who beat infertility and welcomed pregnancy with open arms. And while part of me is like that, another part is not. I get so excited seeing my baby on the ultrasound monitor and tears slide out of the corner of my eyes out of relief and joy. But if I’m honest with myself, it’s mostly relief. And while I’m usually in shock throughout each appointment that this is actually happening, today’s scan was a new feeling entirely.
I finally realized that I never truly believed this day would come.
I never truly believed a baby would grow inside of me. But holy shit, one is. I always tried to remain hopeful, but at a certain point, I think 3 years into infertility, I accepted that I would never experience the highs and lows of pregnancy. Even the days when I was sick as a dog, I was usually convinced it was leftover hormones from the pregnancy, but that the baby wasn’t still around. And don’t get me started on the morning after days I was actually able to eat healthy and walk more than 2,000 steps in a day. I would majorly freak out and feel guilty about wishing I didn’t look so fat* (I know I’m not actually fat, but the rolls-yes that was plural-on my back ARE fat and slightly disturb me*), while also trying to remind myself that I had simply had a healthy day and that’s why I look a teeny tiny bit smaller. And I avoid people. Because when I see them, all we want to talk about is my pregnancy and I somehow feel like an imposter. Like I’m just biding my time until this pregnancy goes away. It feels so surreal to me and no one IRL gets that.
Yes, I’m excited and feel so blessed to have come this far. I have started a private baby registry that I put my top choices of baby needs on so when it gets more real, I can actually sit down and make decisions. I have researched daycare centers because I only want my child with my parents-in-law to watch our baby 2 days a week (FIL doesn’t respect the parents’ wishes and let’s his grandkids watch as much TV/videos as they want and gives then candy at a very early age). We even went on 2 tours today and got on a yearlong waiting list and I was SO excited the whole time. So I’m planning on there being a baby here in October, and I so desperately want this baby, but it still doesn’t feel real.
I hope one day it will. So I will stop making everyone uncomfortable being so uncertain and seemingly less excited than them.
Ok, onto the fun stuff. I’m 12w3d and baby measured 13w1d. So staying consistently 5 days ahead. The NT measure was 2.2mm so within normal, thank God! The tech wouldn’t look for the sex so all of you finding out at your NT scans, I’m SO jealous! And we found our baby’s daycare center and met all the teachers. This one does the primary care system, where 1 teacher is assigned to your child, and then they move up with the child through the different rooms. They also separate the walkers from non-walkers in the infant room, which I really like. And they believe in whole foods, even making fresh baby food. Which is part of tuition so I’m glad I’m paying for foods I would actually cook for my child. Oh! The best part? It’s located about 2 blocks from my office! Which means that if I’m able to breastfeed, I can actually go on my lunch hour to feed my kid!!!! And even if I’m formula-feeding, I can still spend that quality time with Baby, obvi!
Oh and yes, I’ve had body image issues* from like 14dpt, but they are starting to resolve. I have a short torso (less than 2 inches from my last rib to my hip) and my weight always goes only to that region, so I always knew I would “show” early, but it was still hard to accept. Also, I have gained the aforementioned back fat and have lost all muscle definition in my arms due to being too sick and fatigued to work out. I don’t fit my clothes so I have slowly been buying maternity counted clothes online (I highly recommend Old Navy during their sales as they’re mat clothes are about the same price as the rest!) but haven’t fit them well. When I opened a package of dresses I ordered, I was quite alarmed at how large they were! I refused to try them on because I was afraid I would fit them and kept reminding myself that they’re not huge, just have extra material in the tummy. Finally, I came to terms with my body this weekend and tried on the dresses and fell in love with my body! Yes, they fit lol. But they also have so much room to grow. And by this time my shorts/Capri order arrived and I was THRILLED to look so cute.
But for some reason my maternity clothes make me feel like an imposter too. Sigh. Oh well, one battle at a time!
*Please, no lectures about pregnant bodies being beautiful and so forth. I know. And I’m getting there.