Good NT scan and coping

I always wanted to be the person who beat infertility and welcomed pregnancy with open arms. And while part of me is like that, another part is not. I get so excited seeing my baby on the ultrasound monitor and tears slide out of the corner of my eyes out of relief and joy. But if I’m honest with myself, it’s mostly relief. And while I’m usually in shock throughout each appointment that this is actually happening, today’s scan was a new feeling entirely.

I finally realized that I never truly believed this day would come.

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I never truly believed a baby would grow inside of me. But holy shit, one is. I always tried to remain hopeful, but at a certain point, I think 3 years into infertility, I accepted that I would never experience the highs and lows of pregnancy. Even the days when I was sick as a dog, I was usually convinced it was leftover hormones from the pregnancy, but that the baby wasn’t still around. And don’t get me started on the morning after days I was actually able to eat healthy and walk more than 2,000 steps in a day. I would majorly freak out and feel guilty about wishing I didn’t look so fat* (I know I’m not actually fat, but the rolls-yes that was plural-on my back ARE fat and slightly disturb me*), while also trying to remind myself that I had simply had a healthy day and that’s why I look a teeny tiny bit smaller. And I avoid people. Because when I see them, all we want to talk about is my pregnancy and I somehow feel like an imposter. Like I’m just biding my time until this pregnancy goes away. It feels so surreal to me and no one IRL gets that.

Yes, I’m excited and feel so blessed to have come this far. I have started a private baby registry that I put my top choices of baby needs on so when it gets more real, I can actually sit down and make decisions. I have researched daycare centers because I only want my child with my parents-in-law to watch our baby 2 days a week (FIL doesn’t respect the parents’ wishes and let’s his grandkids watch as much TV/videos as they want and gives then candy at a very early age). We even went on 2 tours today and got on a yearlong waiting list and I was SO excited the whole time. So I’m planning on there being a baby here in October, and I so desperately want this baby, but it still doesn’t feel real.

I hope one day it will. So I will stop making everyone uncomfortable being so uncertain and seemingly less excited than them.

Ok, onto the fun stuff. I’m 12w3d and baby measured 13w1d. So staying consistently 5 days ahead. The NT measure was 2.2mm so within normal, thank God! The tech wouldn’t look for the sex so all of you finding out at your NT scans, I’m SO jealous! And we found our baby’s daycare center and met all the teachers. This one does the primary care system, where 1 teacher is assigned to your child, and then they move up with the child through the different rooms. They also separate the walkers from non-walkers in the infant room, which I really like. And they believe in whole foods, even making fresh baby food. Which is part of tuition so I’m glad I’m paying for foods I would actually cook for my child. Oh! The best part? It’s located about 2 blocks from my office! Which means that if I’m able to breastfeed, I can actually go on my lunch hour to feed my kid!!!! And even if I’m formula-feeding, I can still spend that quality time with Baby, obvi!

Oh and yes, I’ve had body image issues* from like 14dpt, but they are starting to resolve. I have a short torso (less than 2 inches from my last rib to my hip) and my weight always goes only to that region, so I always knew I would “show” early, but it was still hard to accept. Also, I have gained the aforementioned back fat and have lost all muscle definition in my arms due to being too sick and fatigued to work out. I don’t fit my clothes so I have slowly been buying maternity counted clothes online (I highly recommend Old Navy during their sales as they’re mat clothes are about the same price as the rest!) but haven’t fit them well. When I opened a package of dresses I ordered, I was quite alarmed at how large they were! I refused to try them on because I was afraid I would fit them and kept reminding myself that they’re not huge, just have extra material in the tummy. Finally, I came to terms with my body this weekend and tried on the dresses and fell in love with my body! Yes, they fit lol. But they also have so much room to grow. And by this time my shorts/Capri order arrived and I was THRILLED to look so cute.

But for some reason my maternity clothes make me feel like an imposter too. Sigh. Oh well, one battle at a time!

*Please, no lectures about pregnant bodies being beautiful and so forth. I know. And I’m getting there. 

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26 thoughts on “Good NT scan and coping

  1. Oh wow! That all sounds so great. Congratulations! The NT scan was when I felt like I could breathe a little easier and settle in. Do try to enjoy this. You are only responsible for the inputs of this pregnancy, not the outcomes. I wish there was a way that we could control outcomes, but I suppose this is your welcome to parenthood. You will never control anything ever again. πŸ˜‰ Says the toddler mom. Ha!

  2. I felt like an imposter very early on and up until recently too. Maternity clothes helped me feel better about my body so I hope they do for you too. Sorry this has all been such a stressful process you know I feel your pain!

  3. So this will be quick because I need to go snag four washers in the wash room, but I am so glad you wrote about feeling like an imposter. Honestly, I felt that way my entire pregnancy. I was never comfortable discussing it, I was scared to death to open any gifts. If you remember, I did not wash any baby things until a few days before my csection. It was REALLY hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I WAS carrying a baby after all these years. And it still, 21 months after she is born, is really hard to look at my maternity photos. I still find myself giving these caveats about her creation when someone says something to the extent of “look at this amazing creature you guys created.” I always respond, “Well we only sort of created her. We had a lot of help. Actually she was CREATED by a woman named Emily in a lab.” and then I get a lot of weird, uncomfortable looks! LOL! The point of this is that I think it is ok you feel this way, and I don’t think you should apologize or feel you have to “work on it.” It just is and you should sit with it and accept it. You love your baby. You love your body. You will love motherhood and you will love and forever be grateful to all the powers that lined up to help bring you a family. THAT is all that matters. Sending you so much love and light and looking at plane tickets to come west in October! xoxo

  4. No lectured on the body image…I felt huge the whole way through and I blew up the last 8 weeks. We only do gender check here at 20 weeks…sucks when your trying to shop. One thing no one really talks about is how much it sucks being pregnant after infertility with regards to the sense of disbelief or “doom and gloom” you have for pretty much most of it or until you get your magic moment where it all kinda kicks in and then you actually stop stressing or imagining the worst and enjoy the experience. There’s the guilt that you should be all Dewey eyed and glowing with the perfect bump but in reality (in my case anyway) it’s more like taking every class possible to make sure you have an idea of what’s happening and having the local maternity ward on speed dial. But the thing is is that there will be a moment,no matter how small or seemingly insignificant where you will relax abit more and just settle into it all. Your doing great right now and have so many backers here and irl….sending lots of good wishes your way for your moment to come soon x

  5. Yay for a good NT scan! Pregnancy is so weird and I felt like an imposter for a long time. Wait until you start to feel kicks and then you realize that you actually have a baby in there! πŸ™‚

    • I.can.not.wait. for the kicks. I long for the days of being kept awake at night because of kicking. I envision rolling over and pressing my belly against hubby so he wakes up and doesn’t feel left out. πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰ hahaha

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