Mother’s day anxiety has arrived

So remember how I feel like an imposter lately? Well, it went away for a little bit, but it’s back.

I was texting with my sister and she said (excitedly) that this is technically my first Mother’s Day. And that scared the shit out of me! I mean, I tell pregnant women that all the time, but it’s ME. Am I really going to be a mother?

I can’t even let myself think like that because all of the years of heartbreak, fear, losses, and pain come rushing back. I mean, THAT has been my reality since March 2011. That is what I’ve known. I always hoped I would birth at least one child, but after so long you sort of just accept that likely will never happen. You get through so.much.pain by hoping your dream will come true, but ultimately accepting it might not be your fate.

So to actually embrace motherhood is scaring the ever living shit out of me right now. But how do I tell people that? How do I tell them that this mother’s day is the scariest one of all? I won’t. I’ll just put on my pretend happy face and hope I can be so convincing, I convince myself.

Infertility is not fit the faint of heart. And is not cured by pregnancy.

13 thoughts on “Mother’s day anxiety has arrived

  1. I didn’t celebrate my pregnant Mother’s Day. I was too scared and superstitious. Also my husband didn’t really think it counted lol but he is very practical minded.. Good thing I agreed with him or that could have been a mess ;). In any case, don’t feel alone in that feeling.

  2. This is my first Mother’s Day being pregnant and I’m too scared to celebrate anything. It seems like infertility still has a bug hold on me. Thanks for sharing this.

  3. It’s completely understandable to feel that way. I’d be the same way, I’m sure. I hope getting through this weekend isn’t too stressful for you. *hugs*

  4. We’d planned to announce our pregnancy two mothers days ago, and the Friday before we had some weird blood work come back that raised a few red flags and needed more testing. We ended up going out of town, just the two of us, since we were so anxious about the test results and waiting another two weeks for answers. Thankfully, everything was ok, but it was hard to celebrate when everything was so uncertain.

  5. Ah! I could have written this myself! We are doing a Mother’s Day brunch with DH’s family and now it has become a brunch for “all three” Moms – his Mom, his SIL (due in Sept) and me. I told him I felt suuuper uncomfortable about this. Maybe it’s because I’m a bit (a lot?) superstitious, maybe it’s because for years Mother’s Day has been a day of suffering for me, maybe it’s because on that day I tend to think more about the two we’ve lost than the one on the way….I don’t know. But it’s just still not a day I look forward to.

  6. I didn’t really celebrate Mothers Day pregnant either – though I gave birth literally two days later so you’d think I would have been over the “superstition” that comes with infertility but I wasn’t.

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