So remember how I feel like an imposter lately? Well, it went away for a little bit, but it’s back.
I was texting with my sister and she said (excitedly) that this is technically my first Mother’s Day. And that scared the shit out of me! I mean, I tell pregnant women that all the time, but it’s ME. Am I really going to be a mother?
I can’t even let myself think like that because all of the years of heartbreak, fear, losses, and pain come rushing back. I mean, THAT has been my reality since March 2011. That is what I’ve known. I always hoped I would birth at least one child, but after so long you sort of just accept that likely will never happen. You get through so.much.pain by hoping your dream will come true, but ultimately accepting it might not be your fate.
So to actually embrace motherhood is scaring the ever living shit out of me right now. But how do I tell people that? How do I tell them that this mother’s day is the scariest one of all? I won’t. I’ll just put on my pretend happy face and hope I can be so convincing, I convince myself.
Infertility is not fit the faint of heart. And is not cured by pregnancy.