I had that dream last night.
I dreamt that I lost my baby. I can remember the fear, the denial, and the painful heartbreak. I can remember everything I was doing in my dream before it happened and after. I haven’t had a vivid dream in several days so it’s even more shocking to have had this one.
I’m 2 days from 24 weeks. 6 months. Viability. And I feel as vulnerable as I did at 4 weeks. I was fine until this week. I just keep thinking that I only have days to go for another milestone and now I’m just shattered. I still have days to go.
And now we have a crib. Our first baby shower is on 7/25 so we’re already getting gifts from our registry. The nursery is filling up and we’re still days away from viability. Ugh.
Many days I long for time to fast forward so that I’m holding my healthy baby in my arms. But at the same time, I know how much I will miss feeling this baby growing inside of me. Yes, pregnancy is painful and uncomfortable for me. I have less comfortable days than not, and have for the last 4 months. But every roll, flip, kick, and punch I feel makes ask the pain, fear, and discomfort worth it.
I never thought I’d have this chance after losing every pregnancy I had before this one. I thought for sure my path to motherhood would be through adoption and had prepared myself to mourn not ever being pregnant. I actually had already started that grieving process actually. So I think I really cherish every part of pregnancy.
Then to dream that my body had already lost this baby boy I’m so in love with, it was utterly devastating. To the point that I was in serious denial. It’s amazing how much this baby means to me already. He’s my sole focus and his health and comfort mean more to me than anything right now.
I now understand how mothers make their child their whole world and am even more determined not to do that. My feelings about Hubster have already changed. I love him so much more deeply than I ever have, yet at the same time, I don’t have the same need for him in my life. Maybe it’s a more healthy love I feel? I don’t know. But I do know that in my heart, it’s now me and my son against the world and that scares me.
Maybe this dream was good. I got to realize actual fears I have-about this pregnancy and the change in my marriage. So now I can work on continuing to build a strong partnership with Hubster before this child comes and understand that it’s ok to be afraid.
But shit, no matter what good comes of it, that dream s.u.c.k.e.d.