I can’t believe in writing this. How in the world am I here now?!? I’m so emotional today as friends keep sharing Mark Zuckerberg’s pregnancy announcement and so grateful as I write thank you cards from our baby shower with my best girlfriends and our families last weekend.
The losses we’ve experienced are never forgotten, but are definitely more strongly felt as Little Boo gets bigger and closer to entering this world. He is so freaking loved already, that I can’t even stand to think about how much more my heart will love him when I finally get to hold him in my arms. His first kick to my kidney and dancing on my intestines this past week might hurt, but damn, is it all worth it! I find myself complaining more on days when I’ve slept terribly due to pelvic/back/hip pain but then I’m reminded that not only is he worth this pain and exhaustion, but women freaking rock!
We endure so much, but we keep going. Physically and emotionally.
I often wonder what my angel babes would have looked like and what their personalities would have been. I wonder how my pregnancies would have been like, similar or very different from this one, had they progressed. And I miss them all. I even miss the one that was transferred with Little Boo, but left us too soon. Though I’m grateful to be carrying a singleton since his growing has been so hard on my body, but a piece of my heart aches every time I have to confirm that no, I’m not having twins, to all the well-meaning strangers who are shocked at the size of my bump.
I know they and Little Boo are all a part of some master plan for us, but some days it’s harder to accept that. Hubster and I both love easily and feel deeply so it seems a little more unfair to have had these losses. I never would have taken any baby for granted and infertility could have been a difficult enough journey for us to power through together as a couple so I don’t know why the losses had to be thrown in there. But they were and we deal with them. And we know what a miracle Little Boo is. So I’ll try to stop focusing on the past and concentrate on the future. I guess I just needed to get these thoughts out as I come to terms with reaching my 3rd trimester.
I kind of deep down always expected this pregnancy to work out, just like I kind of deep down expected our first IVF to work out. Everything had come together so perfectly that it had to all work out. From getting money from my parents, to meeting our perfectly wise and optimistic RE, to being able to telecommute the entire cycle, and having so much support I just couldn’t imagine it not working. The devastation of a failed cycle would be too great. Then getting early HPT BFPs and such high beta numbers, then perfect US and making it so far through a very visible pregnancy, I kept believing more and more that we would have our take-home baby.
But reaching the 3rd trimester has been a trip! I’m now anemic so I’m really really tired, this baby continues to move, kick, and wiggle around, and it’s getting harder to roll out of bed, lotion my legs and put on pants/shorts, but damn I’m so crazy happy! My baby will be here in less than 3 short months! I’m organizing his nursery and the rest of the house and daydream about how our house and lifestyle will change. In less than 3 short months! Did I mention that?
Ok now that I’m not crying anymore and I’ve rested my back, I’ll get back to thank you cards. My bumpdate will come shortly.