28 weeks pregnant and still infertile

It’s so true when Infertiles say infertility never leaves you. When you’re pregnant and become a parent after infertility, you end up kind of stuck between worlds. I still have a hard time with pregnancy announcements, pregnancy talk, and bump pics. Yes, I post this stuff on social media, but ALWAYS with a twinge of guilt. It’s just a weird place to be. I’m SO excited, complain about pain and discomforts, dream out loud, make plans for Baby and our family, but it feels weird to do that. Partly because it’s surreal and because I want to continue making my life more than TTC or my child. He is so important to me and I already love him more than I can imagine, but I refuse to make him my whole world or more important than my partner. I don’t want my whole identity to become his mom, even though little else in life matters at this moment. I am different than most moms in those respects and a lot of that comes from struggling with infertility. I needed to not identify as a person, rather than just an Infertile, for my sanity and my self-worth. I learned that I’m more than a label, including that of “mom”. Which everyone else seems to love. I worry that I’m somehow messed up, but I also pride myself in that. I also worry about my fellow Infertiles and their feelings. I know the pain and despair of still being in the trenches and hate adding to it.

So I don’t belong. I don’t fit in. Luckily I’m finding other groups of infertile preggos and new moms on Instagram and Babycenter, and and definitely am not seeking out mommy groups IRL. Much to the horror of my fertile friends lol. I worry about the day Baby joins sports teams and starts school because I really don’t want to have to make friends with the parents, but it’s a sacrifice I’ll have to make.

Anyway, I’m kind of down right now thinking about how different I am from my girlfriends and how far I feel from my bloggy friends and I guess I just needed to vent.

But I am so happy for all the good news I’m reading in Blogland today. Thanks to those of you who actually made it through this ramble of a post. A more exciting bumpdate is coming, I promise!

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8 thoughts on “28 weeks pregnant and still infertile

  1. Don’t count out the mommy groups just yet. My group offers me so much support, your life changes so much when baby is born and being with other moms was so so helpful to me. Especially in the beginning but even now. Even if you don’t want your primary identity to be mom.

    I don’t want my identity to be swallowed up by mom but for now it kind of is. And I am looking forward to the day when I can be more myself again. Last summer I was making tons of artwork and getting back into being an artist, i am hoping soon I’ll be able to do that again. But in our lives our primary identity focus changes- child, student, spouse, employee, religious affiliation, whatever is most pressing in the moment. It doesn’t have to take away from your whole self, it can add to it, your Self is a cumulative thing.

    So what I’m saying is don’t reject this potential part of your self because of past pain … You will fit in somewhere as mom, but be open to fitting in to places you didn’t expect.

  2. I desperately looked for other moms when G was born and even though I only made one friend, I did find out just how many woman had battled to conceive or even bring to term a baby. I’ve always been very vocal and open about my infertility and I tell people how long it took for me to have my child and once that happens, I usually get their stories…miscarriages,years of trying etc. not to sound all “lecture like”,but once you have had your boy, you will need other moms. Regardless of their pre-baby fertility status. It’s hard having one of these little poop machines and while it’s an amazing experience, part of that is having someone you can cry to about the less glamorous parts without feeling judgement (because oh boy..parenting after infertility makes you cringe to complain about ANYTHING without fear of upsetting some one or having someone tell you to be grateful you have a child at all). Just go with it, your about to become someone completely different from who you were and just remember that it’s not forever. You will be able to refine yourself in a few years time but till then,you are going to be known as baby’s mom. Bright side is your going to be an amazing mommy and the new you is just going to be a better version,even if she’s completely different from what you or anyone else expected.

    • Haha thanks! Yeah I’m surrounded by mommies as all (except 2) of my closest friends and some family have small children. I will definitely lean on them for support and tips, but it still just feels so odd because pregnancy/childbirth is ALL they want to talk about. Before my pregnancy, but especially now. And I think because I had to fight so hard to believe I could have purpose without being a mother, I’m afraid to let that go? And yes, a few of my close friends have had m/c also and I know others who struggle with TTC/mc as I’m very open IRL and social media, but I guess I’m just not ready to be just this baby’s mommy? The more I think about your comment though, the more I can see my saying, “YOU WERE RIGHT!” lol

      • It’s hard trying to be the same person you were before baby when your trying so hard just to get through the daily routine but if you don’t manage it (and I’m not saying you won’t because that’s where you get the saying super moms) ,don’t stress about it or best yourself up. Easier said than done I know but incase no one says it, your allowed to be bored to tears by the baby talk,diapers and discussions on poop.
        Your getting way ahead of yourself right now though and overthinking abit too much. Your going to be so busy soon that all this worrying and learning new things that all this is going to be moot. Just relax and enjoy this time and try let things come as they may.

  3. Everything you wrote makes perfect sense to me. Maybe one silver lining to going through this is that we already know not to lose our identities to motherhood, because we already lost them to infertility? I dunno, but ‘finding’ myself again is taking a long time and I pray this pregnancy sticks and that I hold onto myself firmly throughout.

  4. I hope you know that at least for me, your story and those of other infertiles crossing over to parenthood gives me hope. Infertility is life changing and I imagine it won’t go back to normal for any of us that have dealt with it.

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