It’s so true when Infertiles say infertility never leaves you. When you’re pregnant and become a parent after infertility, you end up kind of stuck between worlds. I still have a hard time with pregnancy announcements, pregnancy talk, and bump pics. Yes, I post this stuff on social media, but ALWAYS with a twinge of guilt. It’s just a weird place to be. I’m SO excited, complain about pain and discomforts, dream out loud, make plans for Baby and our family, but it feels weird to do that. Partly because it’s surreal and because I want to continue making my life more than TTC or my child. He is so important to me and I already love him more than I can imagine, but I refuse to make him my whole world or more important than my partner. I don’t want my whole identity to become his mom, even though little else in life matters at this moment. I am different than most moms in those respects and a lot of that comes from struggling with infertility. I needed to not identify as a person, rather than just an Infertile, for my sanity and my self-worth. I learned that I’m more than a label, including that of “mom”. Which everyone else seems to love. I worry that I’m somehow messed up, but I also pride myself in that. I also worry about my fellow Infertiles and their feelings. I know the pain and despair of still being in the trenches and hate adding to it.
So I don’t belong. I don’t fit in. Luckily I’m finding other groups of infertile preggos and new moms on Instagram and Babycenter, and and definitely am not seeking out mommy groups IRL. Much to the horror of my fertile friends lol. I worry about the day Baby joins sports teams and starts school because I really don’t want to have to make friends with the parents, but it’s a sacrifice I’ll have to make.
Anyway, I’m kind of down right now thinking about how different I am from my girlfriends and how far I feel from my bloggy friends and I guess I just needed to vent.
But I am so happy for all the good news I’m reading in Blogland today. Thanks to those of you who actually made it through this ramble of a post. A more exciting bumpdate is coming, I promise!